good riddance 2009

Wednesday 30 December 2009…. 

 by: mishi                                                      

Posted on: 12-30-2009

(originally on wrongplanet.net)

 

turners fails

So the end of another year… the first full year without my own life and my animals and a home of my own. In 2008 I had all those things for a whole two and a half months.

The end of another year of not fitting, of finding most of what neurotypicals say either silly or totally lacking in any logical thought. Another year of being told by every Tom, Dick and Mary — whether they know me or not — to SMILE. The end of another year of oddness, of finding solid ground to stand on only in what little is left of my own world. I’ve had nearly 57 years like that. This is just the end of one more.                                                                             

 

read…    Braon…    Sehnen

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all photos, graphics, poems and text copyright 2008-2012 by anne nakis, unless otherwise stated. all rights reserved.

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The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time

Thursday 24 September 2009by: mishiPosted on: 09-24-2009 @ 10:46 am

 

 

Turners FallsNow I’m listening to an audio edition of Mark Haddon’s The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time. I’ve listened to this book once before, back in my own life. Though it’s a novel about a boy with Asperger’s, rather than a true story, I like it very much. Maybe you know it. I have many things in common with the character Christopher, though I kept inside all my life most of the impulses that he acts out. But I wanted to act them out; I wanted to a whole lot.Listening to the radio shows I listened to in my own life with my animals is too much, I can’t do it. Listening to books hurts less, so that’s what I hear. I can just hang around the rented room in silence.

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Back to Nobody, Nowhere

Saturday 19 September 2009

by: mishi

Posted on: 09-19-2009 @ 10:55 am                                                                                         

 

 

Greenfield

Well, Peter Black Forest has vanished. So it isn’t just the NT’s who disappear. Aspies do it too.

In point of fact, I found a lot in common with Donna Williams when I read her book, and she has a more severe autism. Maybe I’m somewhere between Asperger’s and Donna. Donna acted out as a child and I did not, but I wanted to. And also certain other things she experienced are very similar to things of mine. Especially shutting people completely out when some event or word or behavior had engendered too much fear and insecurity. This is something I still do, and have always done. I cannot move around the feeling of failure and defeat with a person.

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(wall plaque at www.whatonearthcatalog.com)

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Look Me in the Eye

Friday 11 September 2009

by: mishi  

(after a digression for animals, returning to the copying of wrongplanet posts)

Posted on: 09-11-2009 @ 11:01 am

 

 

Greenfield

It’s 18 months today since my life was taken. Sometimes…, well, nevermind.

I’m nearly finished with John Robison’s book, and still feel a lack of detail concerning his Asperger’s. Next I’m going to read his brother’s book, Running With Scissors, to see if I get a little more info there.

I wonder now and then what would have happened in my life if I’d never taken my parallel life in my head away from myself. It served as a buffer between me and the NT world, and when I made myself stop it at the age of 42, the NT world began to frighten me more and more with every passing year. If I’d kept that life in my head, would I not have grown increasingly more scared? And when people smell fear, they go for you. At least, that’s been MY experience.

 

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(dora maar menorah at www.signals.com)

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Current Conditions… in my time and my space

Page Fifty-six

Friday 4 September 2009/PeterBF             by: mishi                          Posted on: 09-04-2009 @ 12:21 pm

 

 

Current conditions aren’t easy to describe. Everything is on the 5 on-line journals, four of which I’m still busy updating. When I wrote them last year I was drowning in stress, anxiety, and anger, and I left out important details and observations that ought to be there.Current condition 1. is that 18 months ago I lost my home and everyone I love, due to this screwing by the Department of Mental Health, and at 55 was turned into a homeless, familyless bum by the people who were supposed to help me. I lost my own life and my own world. The grief goes on.

Current condition 2. is that shortly after the above disaster, I met the man who told me I was being protected by feds from people who wanted to kill me, and that it was related both to a mafia-connected tenant who had lived in my building, and a long-dead grandfather who had belonged to this same organization and been murdered by them. So, there are still many questions about this that Matthew has never responded to. He and the ones I call his boys are still here. I believe him to be an agent, but others believe him to be a liar, which is certainly within the realm of possibility, but I don’t buy it. I saw and heard too many things in my time with Matthew that convince me. In any case, I’m not delusional. If Matthew’s a liar, then I’m dumb. If he’s for real, then I got my information from HIM, not from my TV or voices in my head. People say “don’t think about it, even if it may be true.” But they tell me not to think about losing my whole world too. I’m not made that way. I already had PTSD before all of these things happened, and the new traumas of the last 18 months are the worst ever. I wonder if the people who say such things to me could truly do it themselves: not think about losing everyone they love in one day, not think about being made homeless by “helpers” at the age of 55, not think about agents on the street and other people who want to kill you, they want to kill you and they don’t even know you. Not to think about a grandfather you never knew the truth about until a year ago. These are huge, devastating things to me, and I can’t just pretend to myself that they are not.I’ve blabbed enough for one day. I was sick all night with a very nasty attack from my immune system and I didn’t go to the hospital to get the right medication. I’m better now than I was four or five hours ago, but still sick and tired enough to be angry and disgusted. No, I don’t have AIDS. I have the opposite, an immune system that works overtime and attacks me in a great variety of ways. I was born that way.

 

 

           

 

 

 

Comment By: peterd(Posted on 09-09-2009 @ 08:20 am)
Comment: Current conditions are never easy to describe – unless you’re someone not immersed in the reality of them. Sometimes I think that the only reason I’m still here is the hope of proving the bastards wrong. Sometimes I’m happier than that – until I’m proved wrong again. Last Sunday – Father’s day. I roasted a duck for my father and one of my sons. The only reason I have a life and a background against which to do such a thing is my partner, and life’s fairly cruel to her too. My dad – who, in my humble opinion is an aspie, but who hasn’t and is unlikely to ever have a background against which asperger’s could ever show up as anything more than an unsettling shadow – remarked that he’d thought of himself all his life as having a visual intelligence rather than a verbal one, and that he’d always had enormous difficulty remembering people’s names. My son – the aspie one – and I felt for him, but didn’t say much. Yes, we were born that way, but that’s not enough, is it?~~~~~~~~~~~~  website  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 (clip art photo)

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Naming things oneself

Page Fifty-five

Tuesday 1 September 2009/Naming

by: mishi  Posted on: 09-01-2009 @ 03:03 pm

 

 

Greenfield So I’m reading Robison’s Look Me In the Eye, and thus far I’ disappointed. There are far more details about life events than there are about how the Asperger’s affected him on a daily basis. That’s what I look for in these books, a lot of meat about the autistic symptoms themselves. Anyway, it’s the first book in which I’ve come across anything about naming. Robison says he liked to name people for himself, but he did it out loud.

I didn’t. All my life I’ve had names for various people, but they were secrets that I used only in my head or on my journals. And I name places, even if they already have their own names, I give them ones I like better. I even name plants and trees, when I don’t know their actual names. Anyway, I thought this naming thing was just an eccentricity of mine, but now I read about someone else with Asperger’s doing something similar.

 

 

Sorry the weeks have been rough, Peter D. Yesterday was an unusually bad day for me, and I haven’t reovered from it yet. If anyone has any interest, I wrote about it today on soulcast.com/sehnen. Maybe I name you Peter of the Black Forest, said forest being the troll-laden hierarchy you struggle in.

Peter D had left a comment, but once again malicious software has taken over. WrongPlanet pages, where this was originally written, have some kind of prgrammed format that got copied right along with my text. So when I reprint the pages here on WordPress, I have that nasty format I’m stuck with. For months it’s been working relatively well, the transfer, but for the last several weeks something in the WordPress program is going nuts when I try to edit the Wrongplanet format. Won’t let me scroll much, eats text all away if I do one lousy backspace, etc. Anyway, I had given Peter the nickname Black Forest Peter, and he’d replied that he’d once actually lived in a neighborhood called Black Forest when he was young and new in his career. He said he walked on air in those days, while “trolls” were “sniggering” all around him.

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(weird guys at www.toscano.com)

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Aspie Salmon

Page Fifty-three

Thursday 27 August 2009/PeterD

by: mishi     Posted on: 08-27-2009 @ 11:56 am

 

Well, this post, originally written in August 2009 on Wrongplanet, was just eaten by malicious software. It was addressed to someone on that website called Peter D, who had previously written to me about all neurotypicals marching in lockstep and doing their best to shun or belittle or otherwise bully us Aspies because we do not march to their step. And he’d left a very intelligent and honest comment on this post too about some of his struggles with NT’s at his job, which the software has also just eaten. He was about my age, and from Australia.

I had answered him in the eaten post to the effect that I’d also been swimming upstream all my life against the vast neurotypical tide of pressure to conform and be just like them. And that, like his, my success rate had always been very low. It’s too bad his very excellent and very human comment is now evaporated.

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No pigs don’t go to heaven

Page Fifty-two

Wednesday 26 August 2009/PeterDby: mishi               

 Posted on: 08-26-2009 @ 10:13 am

 

 

Greenfield

Yes, I’ve heard the argument from many religious people in my life, mostly protestants. We’re supposed to have dominion over the animals, we’re not to put them above people, their souls don’t go to heaven. I never gave a damn about any of their words. Not for the brief part of my life that I was a christian, not in all the years that I’ve been an atheist.I have Asperger’s. Animals are to me all the things that they are, and for 55 years they were the meaning and purpose and sharing and love and loyalty that I could never find in the human world. They were always my people. Since they were taken 17 months ago, I am more alone than I’ve ever been in my life.

 

 

 

 

 

Comment By: peterd(Posted on 08-27-2009 @ 04:34 am)
Comment: That’s the awful thing about theory of mind – it puts them all into a sort of lockstep mode, and we get trampled. Is there any chance you could find yourself work in an animal rescue sort of context?(francis and his innocents at www.toscano.com)

 

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an animal aspie

Page Fifty-one….            Tuesday 25 August 2009    by:mishi                                                                           

                                                                   

Mishi-pup, about 6 mos,    

with EYESHINE

 

 

Greenfield       Peterd: Yes, well, parents. Neither of mine had Asperger’s, I’m quite sure. But they did have PTSD and other diffuculties, and I was always very much an oddball to them. An oddball they didn’t understand. Neither of my siblings is on the autism spectrum either, so I have always stuck out like a sore thumb. Over the years I became increasingly unacceptable to the family, and they increasingly unacceptable to me, so that now I have almost no contact with anyone I’m related to. But I’ve been an oddball in the world at large too. All my life my affinity for animals, and my liking to have a lot of them, has made me a target for criticism. Other things too, but the animals are something that people always used against me with great gusto.

part of the book Neverending Solitaire

all photos, graphics, poems and text copyright 2008-2011 by anne nakis, unless otherwise stated. all rights reserved.

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So much is still the same

Page

by: mishiPosted on: 07-15-2009 @ 10:04 am

 

 

Wed 15 July 2009   GreenfieldI just read a post I wrote in this blog first in May 2008. I updated it early this year, and have just done so again. But it says in there that I had been thrown out of my own world that I’d made with my animals and thrown too much into the human world that I cannot handle. Sixteen months after the sheriff came, it’s still true. I still don’t have an apartment, the animals and the world I made for myself are all gone, and I cannot handle the things I’ve been pushed into. I talk about people crawling around me like so many ants, and that’s still how it feels. I talk about most of the conversation I hear being superficial or outright stupid. It stings, it gives me headaches, it makes me want to run, but there’s no place to run to. My own world is gone.

website

 (tiffany repro at www.gaelsong.com)

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