Carol and Donna

Tuesday 11 August 2009

by: mishi

Posted on: 08-11-2009 @ 11:22 am



Again, thanks for responding. I’m a computer dodo, Carol, I don’t know how to PM. But you could email me at I wouldn’t share your email address with anyone else. I’ve nearly reached the end of Donna Williams’ book. I’d truly like someone to be nobody with. Donna wants a truce with the NT world, but I no longer do. I am more soured on the NT world than ever. But she does talk about this lifelong battle to keep that world at bay and at the same time the battle to join it. It’s a constant inner war at cross purposes with itself. For me, my world has won out. I only want my world. Maybe you, Carol, have made a different decision. Nice hearing from you. Anne



For Carol

Sat 8 Aug 2009by: mishi

Posted on: 08-08-2009 @ 11:21 am

This is for Carol Tucson: thank you for responding to my last post in a thoughtful manner. Because of the severe depression, I can only read very slowly, and only things about autism. I’ll be sure to put Somebody Somewhere on my list, but I continue to believe that I myself am nobody, nowhere.
Comment By: CaroleTucson(Posted on 08-10-2009 @ 04:04 pm)
Comment: Isn’t it wonderful just to know that there’s another person out there who has gone through the same thing that you go through … 🙂 Thank you for writing back. PM me anytime you feel like it. Maybe we can be nobody together … :)~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  website

Here’s another installment in the micro-saga:

Barbie was busting her guts. Bill gave her the RIGHT SAW.


Still nobody nowhere

Thursday 6 August 2009by: mishi

Posted on: 08-06-2009 @ 12:50 pm



I probably mentioned already that I’m reading Donna Williams’ Nobody Nowhere. Though she has a more severe form of autism, I’m finding enough things in common with her thinking and mine, with some of her behaviors and mine, that I feel a good deal of kinship with her condition. The more I read about such things, the more convinced I am that the Asperger’s is a true thing in me. The only tests I had were done in public, and the word about the diagnosis came from Matthew, whom you may or may not believe to be an agent. But I’ve been convinced about my own Asperger’s since 2004, and I only grow moreso as I read.







Comment By: CaroleTucson(Posted on 08-07-2009 @ 10:39 am)
Comment: You’ll like Donna’s followup too … “Somebody Somewhere”. She is so insightful and a wonderful writer. It’s refreshing to read about our condition from someone who actually knows what it’s like, instead of some psychologist who doesn’t really know …

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For Notez

by: mishi

Posted on: 07-21-2009 @ 12:23 pm



Tuesday 21 July 2009   Turners

Notez, thanks for your comment of July 2. I know I’ve had the depression and anxiety since childhood, and many therapists over the years have confirmed that. The PTSD was diagnosed in 1999 by a long-term therapist. And though I’ve believed myself for four years that I have Aspergers, I have so far only Matthew’s word for it. As I’ve said before, tests (they certainly looked like tests) were run on me last year in public. Matthew took me to one of them. He explained yet another one to me, as I didn’t understand what it was testing. When these events were over, Matthew told me I had Aspergers. Who and what is Matthew? I still believe he’s an undercover agent or detective, until someone proves to me that he’s a hoaxter. But you will all believe whatever gives you the least discomfort.

As for the streets, they are no place for ANYONE. But I would say least of all for a 55-year-old woman with physical illnesses and psychological ones too. But this is how the Department of Mental Health left me 16 months ago, and they didn’t care. And Matthew, supposedly protecting me all last year from a gangland bullet, and supposedly in love with me, has not cared either.

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So much is still the same


by: mishiPosted on: 07-15-2009 @ 10:04 am



Wed 15 July 2009   GreenfieldI just read a post I wrote in this blog first in May 2008. I updated it early this year, and have just done so again. But it says in there that I had been thrown out of my own world that I’d made with my animals and thrown too much into the human world that I cannot handle. Sixteen months after the sheriff came, it’s still true. I still don’t have an apartment, the animals and the world I made for myself are all gone, and I cannot handle the things I’ve been pushed into. I talk about people crawling around me like so many ants, and that’s still how it feels. I talk about most of the conversation I hear being superficial or outright stupid. It stings, it gives me headaches, it makes me want to run, but there’s no place to run to. My own world is gone.


 (tiffany repro at


by: mishiPosted on: 07-02-2009 @ 11:21 am



Thurs  2 July 09   Turners FallsI’ve used this title in other blogs, since way back in the beginning, when the animals were first taken. The blackworld without them, without the way of life I knew for 55 years.

A year ago today, Matthew told me people wanted to kill me. You can believe he’s a liar, you can believe he’s an agent, whatever. But I believed him when he told me this, and I believed he was a detective or agent of some kind. He went on to tell me later in July that I was being protected by the FBI. And thus began the last year of high anxiety, tension, unanswered questions, delayed grief, waiting for the protectors to locate me somewhere (that’s all I ever knew about federal protection: you couldn’t choose your own place to live).

And Matthew, whoever or whatever you believe he is, left me month after month after month in this homelessness, knowing perfectly well that I was waiting for his people to show me where they wanted me. He’s still here, hasn’t gone back to his own town and his real home, and I don’t know what that means. And I haven’t had an apartment for almost 16 months. What all this does to my Asperger’s symptoms, to my PTSD and depression and anxiety, I’ll leave for you to try to imagine, to try to empathize with. If you have that capacity.








Comment By: notez(Posted on 07-02-2009 @ 05:38 pm)
Comment: the streets are not therapy if you do have PTSD, Dpression, Anxietyand depression along with aspberger I would reccomend one therapist not several who is fully aware of your situation . seeing several therapists may bring several different diagnosses . It could very well be that you only suffer from one of the afore mentioned .


face to face

by: mishiPosted on: 06-27-2009 @ 11:40 am



Sat 27 June 2009        Greenfield

This morning I was on my way to this library when I saw a sign for a pancake breakfast at a church. It’s a church I like to support a tiny bit if I can (though I am an atheist) because there’s a woman there who’s very good to me every Friday afternoon.

So inside, this man I’ve never seen before invites me to sit with him. It turns out he has Asperger’s too. So we have breakfast and talk and it’s good, and the first time ever that I’ve met face-to-face another person with Asperger’s. He gave me a list of books he likes, and the first one I’ve asked the library to get for me is Nobody Nowhere, by Donna Williams. Maybe you know it already.


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Yet Again

by: mishi

Posted on: 06-12-2009 @ 09:56 am



Fri 12 June 09           Greenfield

I don’t know how many of you have read any of my posts from last year, but this is in case some of you have.
Last year in July a man here in Greenfield started taking me to his apartment and telling me shocking things about my life. I found this man believable, for reasons I’ve described in more than one place in these journals. He told me I was being protected by the FBI from some people who wanted to hurt me, and that my grandfather whom I’d never known had been some kind of organized crime guy. I can’t tell you how shocking all this was, on top of the devastation of losing my home and all my animals. And since this man mentioned “big fish” needing to be caught, I came to see myself as the bait for these big fish. I’m still in no way sure that this wasn’t the case, as Matthew never took any pains to deny it.
But I was living on stingy information and a great deal of tension and anxiety. I was never told how many  people were protecting me, or how many people were around who wanted to hurt me, or how long all this would last, so I had no idea of the scope of the thing. In all the strain I was forced to wonder if every unfamiliar face was on one side or the other.
And then the tests run on me in public places last June. They certainly looked like Aspergers tests to me. When they were over, this same man told me that I had it, and on later occasions he referred to me as autistic.
I still believe the things he told me last year, because no one credible has come forward to say that he just played a hoax on me and is not undercover law enforcement. I believe that for some period of time I was being protected to some degree or other, but the scope of it I still don’t know. It has all been undercover, I haven’t been treated in an above-board manner, and all the questions are still unanswered.
Meanwhile, this man has not yet returned to his real home in the town of Deerfield. He is still here. I spent some time with him yesterday, but he will not give me anymore information.
I believed things that were told to me, and so far I still believe them. But in my anxiety and tension, and left to guessing, I pulled many more people and events into the field of my “protection” than probably belonged there. The strain of all the months was too much pressure for me. I lived in a constant state of wondering and nervousness, and waiting. Waiting for these protectors to locate me somewhere. And this individual Matthew, knew perfectly well I was waiting for this and never deigned to tell me that it was no longer the plan.



Lontano Dagli Occhi

by: mishi

Posted on: 06-08-2009 @ 12:24 pm



It’s been way too long since I’ve written here. I get the feeling that most of you writing on wrongplanet are younger than I am, and perhaps we have nothing but Aspergers in common. But I am struggling, and am very sad, and would appreciate making a connection, at least on the internet, with someone else with Aspergers. I’m 56, and if you can stand that, please email me at thanks.

And returning in August 2010, to say that the response from the particular Asperger’s community on WrongPlanet was always extremely sparse, at best.


For Those Who Betray…

… dante’s ninth circle

by: mishi

Posted on: 01-29-2009 @ 01:26 pm



thurs 29 jan 2009          Northampton

HELL IS OTHER PEOPLE    ~~   (j.p.sartre)

and I could add: especially an egomaniac named matthew.

Update 19 August 2009:  Not much to add here. I was angry, and I think rightly so. I was back in Northampton from 8 Jan to 9 Feb this year, staying at a shelter. But there now comes a long gap in time before I wrote again. From 9 Feb this year to 23 April, I didn’t have access to a computer. And how that all came about was as bizarre and suspicious and immoral and, as far as I know illegal, as many other things that have happened over the last 17 months.


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