Yet Again

by: mishi

Posted on: 06-12-2009 @ 09:56 am

 

 

Fri 12 June 09           Greenfield

I don’t know how many of you have read any of my posts from last year, but this is in case some of you have.
Last year in July a man here in Greenfield started taking me to his apartment and telling me shocking things about my life. I found this man believable, for reasons I’ve described in more than one place in these journals. He told me I was being protected by the FBI from some people who wanted to hurt me, and that my grandfather whom I’d never known had been some kind of organized crime guy. I can’t tell you how shocking all this was, on top of the devastation of losing my home and all my animals. And since this man mentioned “big fish” needing to be caught, I came to see myself as the bait for these big fish. I’m still in no way sure that this wasn’t the case, as Matthew never took any pains to deny it.
But I was living on stingy information and a great deal of tension and anxiety. I was never told how many  people were protecting me, or how many people were around who wanted to hurt me, or how long all this would last, so I had no idea of the scope of the thing. In all the strain I was forced to wonder if every unfamiliar face was on one side or the other.
And then the tests run on me in public places last June. They certainly looked like Aspergers tests to me. When they were over, this same man told me that I had it, and on later occasions he referred to me as autistic.
I still believe the things he told me last year, because no one credible has come forward to say that he just played a hoax on me and is not undercover law enforcement. I believe that for some period of time I was being protected to some degree or other, but the scope of it I still don’t know. It has all been undercover, I haven’t been treated in an above-board manner, and all the questions are still unanswered.
Meanwhile, this man has not yet returned to his real home in the town of Deerfield. He is still here. I spent some time with him yesterday, but he will not give me anymore information.
I believed things that were told to me, and so far I still believe them. But in my anxiety and tension, and left to guessing, I pulled many more people and events into the field of my “protection” than probably belonged there. The strain of all the months was too much pressure for me. I lived in a constant state of wondering and nervousness, and waiting. Waiting for these protectors to locate me somewhere. And this individual Matthew, knew perfectly well I was waiting for this and never deigned to tell me that it was no longer the plan.

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Visuals; Water; A Dog

Friday 18 June 2010      Greenfield

In Grünefeld again this morning doing errands. Running the risk, as always, of an ugly undercover, psychotic song-and-dance with Matthew, self-described best undercover man. It hasn’t happened yet, but there’s still time. When I came last week, he quite magnanimously left me alone. Can I hope for that twice — we’ll see.

As of a few minutes ago, I decided to give all of my WordPress journals the same theme graphics, something green entitled Thirteen. All of the journals but this one.

This one keeps the water and the trees, in memory of Mishi himself. More than any of my dogs, Mishi loved to go into water. And as I’ve said before, he didn’t care if it was pristine like the water in this theme header, or stagnant and black as the night. Maybe something about lying down in water helped his epilepsy (for which he took phenobarb) somehow, I don’t know.

                                                                    

And there he is on the last morning we ever had together, heading for that stream.

So, Mishibone, for you I leave this theme in place. If the water were real and not a photo in cyberspace, and if you were still real, not murdered somewhere by someone, I’d get wet to my waist if I had to to be in this water with you. You were 100 times the man that Matthew is.

still waiting

mishiPosted on: 10-04-2008 @ 10:36 am

 

 

sat 4 oct 2008….    Turners Falls 

  I continue to sleep outside. It was 37 degrees when I stood up in the park this morning at 5 a.m. Then I went to a cafe full of “christian” citizens who all gave me big smiles, as if this were all cute in some way, me living in the park. This is how I, as a person with Asperger’s, regard people giving me cheerful smiles when something very bad is going on: they aren’t taking the bad thing seriously. They aren’t giving me support, or help, or compassion. They’re giving me these idiotic smiles that completely dismiss the seriousness of what’s going on in my life. And when they smile, they expect me to smile back. I live in a park. Everyone I love has been taken and hidden, and for all I know they have all been killed. I have a man in Greenfield who told me some very nasty types want to hurt me. Why in the hell should I be smiling? Just because you want it.  (the homelessness page of my website).

When you look at my WrongPlanet profile, no posts show up for this blog. I wrote to Alex about it, and he told me it might have something to do with the user name Mishi. I don’t understand why that should make any difference.

Update 9 Sept 09 — I’m in Turners Falls again today, the town where I first wrote this post when I was living outside for two months, minus one week sleeping in the laundromat. I cannot look at any Turners resident without bitterness, especially the ones who’ve known me the longest. No one offered me a couch, a spare room, a shower. Certain of them knew what had become of my animals and to this day will not tell me. If they gave me anything at all while I was living outside, the ones who’d known me the longest gave me these brainless, dismissive smiles. I had plenty of reason before the destruction of my life to think of these people as callous, selfish, unchristian christians. How much more reason do I now have to see them as heartless, soulless, tight-fisted, phonies with no moral code whatsoever.

 

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all photos, graphics, poems and text copyright 2008-2011 by anne nakis, unless otherwise stated. all rights reserved.

 

           

 

 

 

 

Another blog copied, moved to WordPress

Page Four

Tuesday 23 February 2009      Greenfield

First it was the Sehnen blog, being copied from Soulcast and moved here because of Soulcast’s technical problems. Now it’s the Mishi blog from Wrongplanet being copied into WordPress because of the fact that I can link into Wrongplanet, but I can’t link out of it. The purpose of setting up the website (braonthree.wordpress.com) was to link it and all of the blogs together, and it’s too hard to do with the obstacles that Soulcast and Wrongplanet are presenting. So, move it all to WordPress.

(this beautiful blank book is available from www. gaelsong.com, a company I used to buy from in my own life)

 

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