aspie strokes

saturday 30 july 2011

















read…  Neverending solitaire    
       Scealta liatha 


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Anne the Aspergian


by: mishi

Posted on: 11-07-2009 @ 09:40 am



Saturday 7 Nov 2009, Greenfield  ~~~~~~~  To take hold of it, this Asperger’s, and not fight it anymore, in the certain ways that I did try to fight it and fit in. Never again try to fit, never again try to please, and fail to please. Never again psychologically venture out of my own world into theirs. This is what I strive for now, in the aftermath of the psychotic mafia chick and the criminal landlady and the loss of my family, and everything else that has been brought about by neurotypicals over the last two years.My grandfather (said Matthew), mafia man, murdered by his thug colleagues years before I was born. Would I have pleased him in any small way, if he had known me? Doubt it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  website  ~~~~~~~~~~~~

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More answering Peter (the human, not the rabbit)

Page Fifty-seven

Wednesday 9,9,09     Turners Falls

Posted on: 09-09-2009 @ 10:27 am



As far as I know, no one else in my family has Asperger’s. Various kinds of learning disabilities are common, but not Asperger’s. Though my nephew thinks he might have it, but he says he’s “gone in and out of it” his whole life. I don’t know how to interpret that.Having a partner would have made life easier, to be sure, but it never happened for me. I’m too off-kilter in too many ways for people. Even friendship has always gone awry, as I seem to have a different definition of friendship than everyone else does.Are you Canadian, Peter, or British?I’m a very bad amerikan. In so many ways I don’t think or feel or believe what is typically amerikan. And I find most amerikans too ego-driven. I could go on and on about this amerikan thing, but I won’t.
Peter turned out to be neither British nor Canadian, but Australian       ~~~~~~~~~~~~  website  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Corporate Cretins

Page Fifty-four

Friday 28 August 2009/Peter BF

by: mishi   Posted on: 08-28-2009 @ 11:21 am




Peter, it sounds horrendous, all those hierarchical layers. Honestly it gives me a headache just thinking about it, and I don’t know how you can bear it. I too have had a life without success, except in the animal realm: that’s where I got my successes. As my life has become more and more difficult over the last 12 years, and I have continued to be traumatized (I have PTSD too), my Aspergers symtoms, which were mild in earlier years, have become worse and worse. The thought of working at all, being around other people and their chatter and their machinations, makes me physically ill. I admire that you can keep on with it, that you’re strong enough to stay in the arena, but it must be an internal battle. Donna Williams talks about the opposing battles, the one to keep the world out, the one to let at least a little of the world in. I’ve fought those opposing battles all my life, as I imagine many of us have, but after the twelve hell years, as I call them, I don’t want to fight them anymore. I want to be the Aspergian I am, and want to shut about 99.5 percent of the world out. I wish you the success you want at your job, and hope you’ll keep in touch. Anne

~~~~~~~~~  website  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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once, in a greener day (redux)


website  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




Aníron  ~~~~~~~~~   Share   ~~~~~~~~~ 

Aníron on black

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The Scrapbook Art II


A sampler of some of the photos and art I’ve used on the post pages.                                                                           

If you have nothing better to do and are bored, you could wander around the interlinked blogs and try to find them. Jesus, even I’m not that  bored.                             

                The Scrapbook Art I    


The Scrapbook Art III




alternate universe

Page Sixteen…         by: mishi


wed 9 july — is it? 2008…   greenfield

On with Asperger’s things. When I was three, one day I got this bright idea to make a cartoon in my head, since I was watching cartoons at the time. I wondered if I could make my own. I did. A little scene where my father wasn’t yelling at my mother and everything going on was doing so in a way I could cope with. It felt damned good, so I kept it up for another 39 years. A separate, alternate life in my head where neurotypicals behaved in a way I could understand and proceed with. But when I was forty-two, TV came and hit me with a different bolt of lightning. They were saying on a talk show that autistics live in their own inner world. I didn’t think I was autistic then. In fact, I was so determined not to be as weird as those people were (I  thought), that I weaned myself off of the alternate life in my head. Is that a good thing? In some ways yes, in some ways no. Ever since depriving myself of that mechanism, NT’s have been even harder to deal with, trauma has gone even deeper, fear of the humans around me has become more intense. My force field is gone: all the phaser beams hit home.






Comment By: Invisable2u2(Posted on 07-11-2008 @ 07:18 am)
Comment: I feel that I live in Superman’s Bizzaro world where everything is in reverse. I used to have children, men who love me and were here for me. Now the “Pied Piper stole my children and replaced them with Rats.” I’m back into Nirvana, my friends are in my head. Name of the song “Lithium” an old mental medicine. I was fine untill a doctor told me I was sick and the diagnosis & stigma of mental illiness. One of my children told me that I would hurt my granddaughter. I was crushed. I owned a Day Care Center & Pre school for over ten years in 1972 to 1982 then my first husband died in it. I kept it for five years after he died to support them. My children don’t believe me when I tell them this is genetic and all of my boys & two of my grandchildren are starting with it and I’m crazy. No people with Aspergers are special beautiful people like you who do not fit into the parrell universe we live in today.There’s others who feel as you do. I’m one too. Sometimes living in your head is a defence mecihamisn. I do it sometimes.  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

read…  Neverending solitaire…  Scealta liatha 

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Rock-a-Bye Baby

Page Fifteen

by: mishi  ~~~~~   Posted on: 07-02-2008 @ 12:02 pm



tues 2 july 2008


Well, since I’ve talked about the head and the banging thereof, I might as well talk about rocking back and forth, another lifelong strategy. For many years there were rocking chairs at my disposal, so no one thought it odd much that I would sit and rock back and forth for as long as an hour. Maybe they should have, but they didn’t. But in the rockerless years, my need to do this at times has risked becoming obvious to anyone around me, so I hid it for years and only did it in secret. But when the hell years of non-stop trauma began in 1997, I began losing my ability to control when and where I rocked. By 1999 the control was just about gone. I’m sure countless people have seen me rocking back and forth on my steps, my porches, park benches, etc. Yet another reason to feel they can treat me any way they like: I’m a weirdo with Asperger’s who rocks back and forth. 

Update 19 Sept 2009:  Just for history’s sake, the day I wrote this post was the day Matthew took me to his place and told me people wanted to kill me. That’s all I got that day, July 2, 2008. Other information came on other days.




Page Fourteen…..         Posted on: 06-26-2008 @ 09:47 am



thurs 26 june 2008….      Greenfield….    I have a secret, which I have kept a secret for fifty or more years until yesterday. I may have told one person four or five years ago, but I’m not positive. Anyway, it seems to be out now. I bang my head. Not very often, and not very hard. I’ve never made a bruise or a cut or anything, as it’s not meant to be self-damaging. It’s meant to jostle the electrical currents jumping between my synapses. When NT’s fill me with too much anger and too much fear, it becomes so large, larger than all my cells can hold. So a few well-gauged bangs just shuffle everything enough that I can try to think about the next step. I’m not even going to ask if any of you do it, because I have this sense that head-banging belongs to a more severe form of autism. I never, ever, in 50-odd years let anybody see me do it until yesterday. My parents, siblings, child never had a clue. Even at 3 or 4, I had this ominous feeling that NT’s would make a big hairy deal out of it. It’s nothing. It’s just a physical way to dull down emotions that are affecting me too much in my cells.                                                                        Update 22 Sept 2009: When I first wrote this last year, I didn’t say that the person I had revealed myself to was Matthew, my supposed protector. We were in the alley beside the health food store, talking about this mob-connected tenant who had lived in my building, and I banged my head a couple of times against the brick wall. It made him very nervous. And later, on visits to his apartment, a couple of times he did indeed make a big hairy deal out of me banging my head. 

 ~~~~~~~~~  website  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~






Comment By: Butterflair(Posted on 07-06-2008 @ 09:22 am)
Comment: It’s okay, don’t worry about it.You don’t have to explain to anyone. They probably think you got frustrated about something. Just be yourself, your family loves you no matter what. That’s what family is for, unconditional love.

 part of the book Neverending Solitaire

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