Zsa Zsa Elucidates

(back to the original Mishi posts again)……………………………………………………………………… Friday 6 November 2009….  by: mishiPosted on: 11-06-2009 @ 12:19 pm

 

 

Zsa Zsa —— Thanks for explaining that comment to me. I don’t know why someone would write to me in Arabic. To see if it’s one of my languages? It isn’t. I wrote some more of my observations and commentary about neurotypicals on Soulcast a day or two ago. I used to try to save all such comments for this journal, but I’m beginning to spread them around among all my on-line journals. I really want my hordes of readers on every website I use to know that I have Asperger’s. Why? Because I’m no closet-dweller, partly. Partly because I feel pretty strongly that autistics shouldn’t refrain from discussing their alternate neurobiology on websites that are general, that aren’t specifically autistic places. 

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Neurotypical Grime

Wednesday 24 November 2010, Turners Tongue-poison

Thanksgiving eve. I’m not doing any of the things that I’m supposed to do this day, as this day bears no resemblance to other such days that happened for 55 years. I exist in a twilight zone that has no relation to the stolen life that was my own.

And once again I’m interrupting the copying of the Wrongplanet posts for this interjection.

Neurotypical grime.  You know how it feels when you’re sweaty, and you’re doing yardwork or walking around in a sandy area — tiny particles of soil and sand cling to your damp skin, and when you get inside you feel just plain grimy, and you can’t wait to wash it off? Well that’s how I feel when I’ve been among people. I feel like there’s a grime both on me and in me that I need to get rid of because it makes me feel irritable, nervous, and as if my cells are clogged. It’s been that way at least since my teenage years. People — their game-playing, the confusing and inconsistent nature of both their words and their body language, their complete lack of solidity and reliability — leave me feeling soiled. I need to cleanse.

Animals were always my chief method of cleansing. Adjuncts were baths and mediations and music and books and art and nature.  And talking over the shaky feelings with someone, if I was lucky enough at any moment to have such a someone. Since the stealing of my life, I come back grimy to no animal family, no ability to read books in print, almost no ability to listen to music or meditate or have anything to with art. The cleansing rituals, like so much else, were stolen and murdered along with the animals.

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Randomness, luck

Monday 2 November 2009  ~~  by: mishiPosted on: 11-02-2009 @ 01:14 pm

 

 

Those of you are very techno-savvy might want to take a look at my October 6 post and read the comment someone left me. It’s very interesting. I have not a clue what it’s all about, but maybe you will.

Last week my medical doctor told me his son has Asperger’s. I told him that I’m not an Asperger’s success story, like the aspies who write the books. He said his son isn’t having an Asperger’s success story either. I’m glad there’s at least one other aspie who isn’t finding that career niche and that little nest of humans that make all the difference in whether you “succeed” or “fail” as an autisitc. The autistics who write the bloody published books, as far as I can see, are the ones who managed to find these niches. What about the rest of us? No one publishes our…………………………………………………………………………………………..

……..books, that sit in drawers or languish on computer disks. Those of us who never found those niches that make such a big difference to all people, especially to autistics. 

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Autism and Food Allergies?

Tuesday 6 October 2009, by: mishi  ~~  Posted on: 10-06-2009 @ 11:46 am

 

 

Turners Falls

haunting my memories again today in the Turners trash…

Another thing I noticed in Donna Williams’ book is that she had a lot of food allergies. I have a lot of food allergies too. Maybe it’s just coincidence, but still I wonder if any studies have ever been done about the percentage of autistic people with severe allergies, and whether that percentage is higher than in the general population.

 

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Autistic Malcontents

friday 2 October 2009    Greenfield

by: mishi

Posted on: 10-02-2009 @ 02:12 pm

 

 

There’s already a person on Wrongplanet who uses the name “Autisticmalcontent.” I don’t know whether he/she uses the name as a joke, or seriously. Anyway, I can’t use the name because it’s taken. And I wish I’d thought of it myself.

But an autistic malcontent is certainly one of the things I’ve always been, even through all the years I did my best to hide it most of the time. What degree of Asperger’s might that be, I wonder, when you CANNOT, no matter how you try, find most people worth having? When you cannot, like Donna Williams, desire a truce between yourself and the non-autistic majority. When the conflicting battles she describes to keep the world out while at the same time letting some of it in only gets harder with age, and the desire to keep just aobut the whole neurotypical world out only gets stronger.

 

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The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time

Thursday 24 September 2009by: mishiPosted on: 09-24-2009 @ 10:46 am

 

 

Turners FallsNow I’m listening to an audio edition of Mark Haddon’s The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time. I’ve listened to this book once before, back in my own life. Though it’s a novel about a boy with Asperger’s, rather than a true story, I like it very much. Maybe you know it. I have many things in common with the character Christopher, though I kept inside all my life most of the impulses that he acts out. But I wanted to act them out; I wanted to a whole lot.Listening to the radio shows I listened to in my own life with my animals is too much, I can’t do it. Listening to books hurts less, so that’s what I hear. I can just hang around the rented room in silence.

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Back to Nobody, Nowhere

Saturday 19 September 2009

by: mishi

Posted on: 09-19-2009 @ 10:55 am                                                                                         

 

 

Greenfield

Well, Peter Black Forest has vanished. So it isn’t just the NT’s who disappear. Aspies do it too.

In point of fact, I found a lot in common with Donna Williams when I read her book, and she has a more severe autism. Maybe I’m somewhere between Asperger’s and Donna. Donna acted out as a child and I did not, but I wanted to. And also certain other things she experienced are very similar to things of mine. Especially shutting people completely out when some event or word or behavior had engendered too much fear and insecurity. This is something I still do, and have always done. I cannot move around the feeling of failure and defeat with a person.

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(wall plaque at www.whatonearthcatalog.com)

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Look Me in the Eye

Friday 11 September 2009

by: mishi  

(after a digression for animals, returning to the copying of wrongplanet posts)

Posted on: 09-11-2009 @ 11:01 am

 

 

Greenfield

It’s 18 months today since my life was taken. Sometimes…, well, nevermind.

I’m nearly finished with John Robison’s book, and still feel a lack of detail concerning his Asperger’s. Next I’m going to read his brother’s book, Running With Scissors, to see if I get a little more info there.

I wonder now and then what would have happened in my life if I’d never taken my parallel life in my head away from myself. It served as a buffer between me and the NT world, and when I made myself stop it at the age of 42, the NT world began to frighten me more and more with every passing year. If I’d kept that life in my head, would I not have grown increasingly more scared? And when people smell fear, they go for you. At least, that’s been MY experience.

 

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(dora maar menorah at www.signals.com)

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defeated by wrongplanet

Page Sixty-one

Thursday 4 November 2010

Well, all this time I’ve wanted this blog that was named after Mishi to have a theme with water, because of Mishi’s great love for that substance. But today I had to give up on the Mistylook theme, at least for a while, and change over to Thirteen, the theme I use for most of my other WordPress blogs.

That horrible format that comes along from Wrongplanet when I copy my posts there and move them here causes a whole lot of trouble. The format won’t let me do what I want to do in setting up the page, and a few minutes ago an entire post was eaten because I was trying to do something the format apparently didn’t want me to do. Added to the Wrongplanet problem is the WordPress problem: namely faulty scrolling in the edit mode, and it’s been going on for over a month, and I wish the hell WordPress would fix it.

Anyway, I’m going to see if all these problems are a little easier to work around on the Thirteen theme than they were on the Mistylook. Don’t know…….     Much later: nope. But I’ve kept the Thirteen theme anway.

all photos, graphics, poems and text copyright 2008-2011 by anne nakis, unless otherwise stated. all rights reserved.

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