Current Conditions… in my time and my space

Page Fifty-six

Friday 4 September 2009/PeterBF             by: mishi                          Posted on: 09-04-2009 @ 12:21 pm



Current conditions aren’t easy to describe. Everything is on the 5 on-line journals, four of which I’m still busy updating. When I wrote them last year I was drowning in stress, anxiety, and anger, and I left out important details and observations that ought to be there.Current condition 1. is that 18 months ago I lost my home and everyone I love, due to this screwing by the Department of Mental Health, and at 55 was turned into a homeless, familyless bum by the people who were supposed to help me. I lost my own life and my own world. The grief goes on.

Current condition 2. is that shortly after the above disaster, I met the man who told me I was being protected by feds from people who wanted to kill me, and that it was related both to a mafia-connected tenant who had lived in my building, and a long-dead grandfather who had belonged to this same organization and been murdered by them. So, there are still many questions about this that Matthew has never responded to. He and the ones I call his boys are still here. I believe him to be an agent, but others believe him to be a liar, which is certainly within the realm of possibility, but I don’t buy it. I saw and heard too many things in my time with Matthew that convince me. In any case, I’m not delusional. If Matthew’s a liar, then I’m dumb. If he’s for real, then I got my information from HIM, not from my TV or voices in my head. People say “don’t think about it, even if it may be true.” But they tell me not to think about losing my whole world too. I’m not made that way. I already had PTSD before all of these things happened, and the new traumas of the last 18 months are the worst ever. I wonder if the people who say such things to me could truly do it themselves: not think about losing everyone they love in one day, not think about being made homeless by “helpers” at the age of 55, not think about agents on the street and other people who want to kill you, they want to kill you and they don’t even know you. Not to think about a grandfather you never knew the truth about until a year ago. These are huge, devastating things to me, and I can’t just pretend to myself that they are not.I’ve blabbed enough for one day. I was sick all night with a very nasty attack from my immune system and I didn’t go to the hospital to get the right medication. I’m better now than I was four or five hours ago, but still sick and tired enough to be angry and disgusted. No, I don’t have AIDS. I have the opposite, an immune system that works overtime and attacks me in a great variety of ways. I was born that way.







Comment By: peterd(Posted on 09-09-2009 @ 08:20 am)
Comment: Current conditions are never easy to describe – unless you’re someone not immersed in the reality of them. Sometimes I think that the only reason I’m still here is the hope of proving the bastards wrong. Sometimes I’m happier than that – until I’m proved wrong again. Last Sunday – Father’s day. I roasted a duck for my father and one of my sons. The only reason I have a life and a background against which to do such a thing is my partner, and life’s fairly cruel to her too. My dad – who, in my humble opinion is an aspie, but who hasn’t and is unlikely to ever have a background against which asperger’s could ever show up as anything more than an unsettling shadow – remarked that he’d thought of himself all his life as having a visual intelligence rather than a verbal one, and that he’d always had enormous difficulty remembering people’s names. My son – the aspie one – and I felt for him, but didn’t say much. Yes, we were born that way, but that’s not enough, is it?~~~~~~~~~~~~  website  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 (clip art photo)

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