More answering Peter (the human, not the rabbit)

Page Fifty-seven

Wednesday 9,9,09     Turners Falls

Posted on: 09-09-2009 @ 10:27 am

 

 

As far as I know, no one else in my family has Asperger’s. Various kinds of learning disabilities are common, but not Asperger’s. Though my nephew thinks he might have it, but he says he’s “gone in and out of it” his whole life. I don’t know how to interpret that.Having a partner would have made life easier, to be sure, but it never happened for me. I’m too off-kilter in too many ways for people. Even friendship has always gone awry, as I seem to have a different definition of friendship than everyone else does.Are you Canadian, Peter, or British?I’m a very bad amerikan. In so many ways I don’t think or feel or believe what is typically amerikan. And I find most amerikans too ego-driven. I could go on and on about this amerikan thing, but I won’t.
Peter turned out to be neither British nor Canadian, but Australian       ~~~~~~~~~~~~  website  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Current Conditions… in my time and my space

Page Fifty-six

Friday 4 September 2009/PeterBF             by: mishi                          Posted on: 09-04-2009 @ 12:21 pm

 

 

Current conditions aren’t easy to describe. Everything is on the 5 on-line journals, four of which I’m still busy updating. When I wrote them last year I was drowning in stress, anxiety, and anger, and I left out important details and observations that ought to be there.Current condition 1. is that 18 months ago I lost my home and everyone I love, due to this screwing by the Department of Mental Health, and at 55 was turned into a homeless, familyless bum by the people who were supposed to help me. I lost my own life and my own world. The grief goes on.

Current condition 2. is that shortly after the above disaster, I met the man who told me I was being protected by feds from people who wanted to kill me, and that it was related both to a mafia-connected tenant who had lived in my building, and a long-dead grandfather who had belonged to this same organization and been murdered by them. So, there are still many questions about this that Matthew has never responded to. He and the ones I call his boys are still here. I believe him to be an agent, but others believe him to be a liar, which is certainly within the realm of possibility, but I don’t buy it. I saw and heard too many things in my time with Matthew that convince me. In any case, I’m not delusional. If Matthew’s a liar, then I’m dumb. If he’s for real, then I got my information from HIM, not from my TV or voices in my head. People say “don’t think about it, even if it may be true.” But they tell me not to think about losing my whole world too. I’m not made that way. I already had PTSD before all of these things happened, and the new traumas of the last 18 months are the worst ever. I wonder if the people who say such things to me could truly do it themselves: not think about losing everyone they love in one day, not think about being made homeless by “helpers” at the age of 55, not think about agents on the street and other people who want to kill you, they want to kill you and they don’t even know you. Not to think about a grandfather you never knew the truth about until a year ago. These are huge, devastating things to me, and I can’t just pretend to myself that they are not.I’ve blabbed enough for one day. I was sick all night with a very nasty attack from my immune system and I didn’t go to the hospital to get the right medication. I’m better now than I was four or five hours ago, but still sick and tired enough to be angry and disgusted. No, I don’t have AIDS. I have the opposite, an immune system that works overtime and attacks me in a great variety of ways. I was born that way.

 

 

           

 

 

 

Comment By: peterd(Posted on 09-09-2009 @ 08:20 am)
Comment: Current conditions are never easy to describe – unless you’re someone not immersed in the reality of them. Sometimes I think that the only reason I’m still here is the hope of proving the bastards wrong. Sometimes I’m happier than that – until I’m proved wrong again. Last Sunday – Father’s day. I roasted a duck for my father and one of my sons. The only reason I have a life and a background against which to do such a thing is my partner, and life’s fairly cruel to her too. My dad – who, in my humble opinion is an aspie, but who hasn’t and is unlikely to ever have a background against which asperger’s could ever show up as anything more than an unsettling shadow – remarked that he’d thought of himself all his life as having a visual intelligence rather than a verbal one, and that he’d always had enormous difficulty remembering people’s names. My son – the aspie one – and I felt for him, but didn’t say much. Yes, we were born that way, but that’s not enough, is it?~~~~~~~~~~~~  website  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 (clip art photo)

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Naming things oneself

Page Fifty-five

Tuesday 1 September 2009/Naming

by: mishi  Posted on: 09-01-2009 @ 03:03 pm

 

 

Greenfield So I’m reading Robison’s Look Me In the Eye, and thus far I’ disappointed. There are far more details about life events than there are about how the Asperger’s affected him on a daily basis. That’s what I look for in these books, a lot of meat about the autistic symptoms themselves. Anyway, it’s the first book in which I’ve come across anything about naming. Robison says he liked to name people for himself, but he did it out loud.

I didn’t. All my life I’ve had names for various people, but they were secrets that I used only in my head or on my journals. And I name places, even if they already have their own names, I give them ones I like better. I even name plants and trees, when I don’t know their actual names. Anyway, I thought this naming thing was just an eccentricity of mine, but now I read about someone else with Asperger’s doing something similar.

 

 

Sorry the weeks have been rough, Peter D. Yesterday was an unusually bad day for me, and I haven’t reovered from it yet. If anyone has any interest, I wrote about it today on soulcast.com/sehnen. Maybe I name you Peter of the Black Forest, said forest being the troll-laden hierarchy you struggle in.

Peter D had left a comment, but once again malicious software has taken over. WrongPlanet pages, where this was originally written, have some kind of prgrammed format that got copied right along with my text. So when I reprint the pages here on WordPress, I have that nasty format I’m stuck with. For months it’s been working relatively well, the transfer, but for the last several weeks something in the WordPress program is going nuts when I try to edit the Wrongplanet format. Won’t let me scroll much, eats text all away if I do one lousy backspace, etc. Anyway, I had given Peter the nickname Black Forest Peter, and he’d replied that he’d once actually lived in a neighborhood called Black Forest when he was young and new in his career. He said he walked on air in those days, while “trolls” were “sniggering” all around him.

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(weird guys at www.toscano.com)

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Corporate Cretins

Page Fifty-four

Friday 28 August 2009/Peter BF

by: mishi   Posted on: 08-28-2009 @ 11:21 am

 

 

Greenfield

Peter, it sounds horrendous, all those hierarchical layers. Honestly it gives me a headache just thinking about it, and I don’t know how you can bear it. I too have had a life without success, except in the animal realm: that’s where I got my successes. As my life has become more and more difficult over the last 12 years, and I have continued to be traumatized (I have PTSD too), my Aspergers symtoms, which were mild in earlier years, have become worse and worse. The thought of working at all, being around other people and their chatter and their machinations, makes me physically ill. I admire that you can keep on with it, that you’re strong enough to stay in the arena, but it must be an internal battle. Donna Williams talks about the opposing battles, the one to keep the world out, the one to let at least a little of the world in. I’ve fought those opposing battles all my life, as I imagine many of us have, but after the twelve hell years, as I call them, I don’t want to fight them anymore. I want to be the Aspergian I am, and want to shut about 99.5 percent of the world out. I wish you the success you want at your job, and hope you’ll keep in touch. Anne

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Aspie Salmon

Page Fifty-three

Thursday 27 August 2009/PeterD

by: mishi     Posted on: 08-27-2009 @ 11:56 am

 

Well, this post, originally written in August 2009 on Wrongplanet, was just eaten by malicious software. It was addressed to someone on that website called Peter D, who had previously written to me about all neurotypicals marching in lockstep and doing their best to shun or belittle or otherwise bully us Aspies because we do not march to their step. And he’d left a very intelligent and honest comment on this post too about some of his struggles with NT’s at his job, which the software has also just eaten. He was about my age, and from Australia.

I had answered him in the eaten post to the effect that I’d also been swimming upstream all my life against the vast neurotypical tide of pressure to conform and be just like them. And that, like his, my success rate had always been very low. It’s too bad his very excellent and very human comment is now evaporated.

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No pigs don’t go to heaven

Page Fifty-two

Wednesday 26 August 2009/PeterDby: mishi               

 Posted on: 08-26-2009 @ 10:13 am

 

 

Greenfield

Yes, I’ve heard the argument from many religious people in my life, mostly protestants. We’re supposed to have dominion over the animals, we’re not to put them above people, their souls don’t go to heaven. I never gave a damn about any of their words. Not for the brief part of my life that I was a christian, not in all the years that I’ve been an atheist.I have Asperger’s. Animals are to me all the things that they are, and for 55 years they were the meaning and purpose and sharing and love and loyalty that I could never find in the human world. They were always my people. Since they were taken 17 months ago, I am more alone than I’ve ever been in my life.

 

 

 

 

 

Comment By: peterd(Posted on 08-27-2009 @ 04:34 am)
Comment: That’s the awful thing about theory of mind – it puts them all into a sort of lockstep mode, and we get trampled. Is there any chance you could find yourself work in an animal rescue sort of context?(francis and his innocents at www.toscano.com)

 

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an animal aspie

Page Fifty-one….            Tuesday 25 August 2009    by:mishi                                                                           

                                                                   

Mishi-pup, about 6 mos,    

with EYESHINE

 

 

Greenfield       Peterd: Yes, well, parents. Neither of mine had Asperger’s, I’m quite sure. But they did have PTSD and other diffuculties, and I was always very much an oddball to them. An oddball they didn’t understand. Neither of my siblings is on the autism spectrum either, so I have always stuck out like a sore thumb. Over the years I became increasingly unacceptable to the family, and they increasingly unacceptable to me, so that now I have almost no contact with anyone I’m related to. But I’ve been an oddball in the world at large too. All my life my affinity for animals, and my liking to have a lot of them, has made me a target for criticism. Other things too, but the animals are something that people always used against me with great gusto.

part of the book Neverending Solitaire

all photos, graphics, poems and text copyright 2008-2011 by anne nakis, unless otherwise stated. all rights reserved.

Share   ~~~~~~~~~  website  ~~~~~~~~~~~

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Late diagnosis

Page Fifty

Monday 24 August 2009   Greenfield

by: mishi    Posted on: 08-24-2009 @ 02:11 pm

 

 Yup, very late. Already an old crone when diagnosed. 

Thanks, Suffix for your comment on my last post. And good luck with your book. I wasn’t diagnosed myself until I was 55, so I guess I’m an old geezer compared to you. It’s still confusing for me, all of it. How the conditions on the autism spectrum vary from person to person. Two different people, at two different Aspergers associations, told me a couple of years ago that if you’ve met one person with Aspergers, then you’ve met ONE person with Aspergers. It seems to me now to be true.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  website  ~~~~~~~~~~~ 

 

Comment By: peterd(Posted on 08-25-2009 @ 06:54 am)
Comment: It is true. The original design flaw takes effect fairly early. After that, the sufferer – usually, the ignorant sufferer – has to make what sense they can of life, and that’s different for every one of us. Many of us have an aspie parent or two – usually undiagnosed and ignorant – and they can pollute the mix fairly effectively. Many of us have an NT parent, and they can confuse things fairly thoroughly too.

 

           

 

 

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Infinite Variations

Page Forty-nine

Wednesday 19 August 2009     Greenfield

by: mishi

Posted on: 08-19-2009 @ 12:48 pm

 

 

Having finished Nobody Nowhere, I’m into the beginning of John Robison’s Look Me in the Eye. It’s confusing me, as it does most people, I guess, how differently the autism spectrum manifests itself from person to person. If I wrote a book about my life with it, it would be different than anyone else’s. There’s a core of things that seem to stay pretty much the same, but they vary so much in intensity. And there’s such a great variety of things that those on the spectrum find to rely on and make them feel safe. For me the chief thing was always animals.

 

 

           

 

 

 

Comment By: suffix(Posted on 08-19-2009 @ 09:03 pm)
Comment: I have Autism, and didn’t know until I was 26. I first heard about aspergers syndrome when I was 32. This meant I went through school thinking I could do the same academic things like everyone else. I watched tv and realized i felt like it wasn’t meant “for me”. I wrote a book and I hope it will come out soon. It is with the editor to the publisher.

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More Aspie Than Ever

Friday 14 August 2009   Greenfield

by: mishi

Posted on: 08-14-2009 @ 12:49 pm

 

 

Unlike so many (it seems), my Aspergers symptoms did not lessen as I got older, but rather the reverse. When I took the life in my head away from myself at the age of 42, year by year my symtoms got worse. And as more and more psychological abuse was added year by year, the symptoms got worse. My own theory is that this worsening of the Asperger’s came from a combination of hormonal changes of menopause, and unrelenting cruelty and trauma inflicted by other people. I guess it works just the opposite way for most people.

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