Eye-gawping

Thursday 13 August 2009

by: mishi

Posted on: 08-13-2009 @ 10:39 am

 

 

Turners Falls, turned, as always, poisonous
So I’ve ordered John Robison’s “Look Me in the Eye.”  Since my thirties I’ve trained myself to look into people’s eyes more often and for longer periods than I did before, but I have to say that twenty years into this self-re-training, I still don’t like it most of the time. Most of the time I do not want to see what’s in people’s duplicitous eyes.

Visiting my memories of my own life again today in this town. Sad memories of the day my animals and I were torn apart for good 17 months ago.

I haven’t yet found anyone else with Asperger’s, or anyone else at all, who feels about animals the way I do and dislikes people as much as I do. Maybe I’ll never find anyone like that.

When I took my parallel life in my head away from myself at the age of 42, I began to dislike and fear people even more, and the need to create my own private world outside my head became even greater. Over time the desire, the need to withdraw from the human world as much as possible became even greater. And after all that has happened to me at the hands of humans in the last 17 months, I haven’t changed my mind. Most of what was my world has been taken away, but with the small ways I have left to create my own world, I want to do it. But it needs an apartment to be done in, and I still don’t have one.

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Somebody somewhere?

Wednesday 12 August 2009

by: mishi

Posted on: 08-12-2009 @ 12:43 pm

 

 

Turners Falls

I’m finished now with Nobody Nowhere, but I have anxiety about Somebody Somewhere. The title’s too positive to me, and Donna Williams seeks a truce with the neurotypical world, whereas I don’t. It was in my younger years that I wanted the truce, and couldn’t get it. Now all I want is a world of my own, and to keep the other out as much as possible.

Update 29 Sept 2010:  I still haven’t read Somebody Somewhere. First, because I can no longer read print books. It’s too painful to read without animals around me. But even if I could, the titile is still too positive. I am NOT somebody somwhere, and don’t expect that I ever will be, especially in the human world. I’ve only ever been somebody to animals.

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Carol and Donna

Tuesday 11 August 2009

by: mishi

Posted on: 08-11-2009 @ 11:22 am

 

 

Again, thanks for responding. I’m a computer dodo, Carol, I don’t know how to PM. But you could email me at annenakis@yahoo.com. I wouldn’t share your email address with anyone else. I’ve nearly reached the end of Donna Williams’ book. I’d truly like someone to be nobody with. Donna wants a truce with the NT world, but I no longer do. I am more soured on the NT world than ever. But she does talk about this lifelong battle to keep that world at bay and at the same time the battle to join it. It’s a constant inner war at cross purposes with itself. For me, my world has won out. I only want my world. Maybe you, Carol, have made a different decision. Nice hearing from you. Anne

 website

For Carol

Sat 8 Aug 2009by: mishi

Posted on: 08-08-2009 @ 11:21 am

This is for Carol Tucson: thank you for responding to my last post in a thoughtful manner. Because of the severe depression, I can only read very slowly, and only things about autism. I’ll be sure to put Somebody Somewhere on my list, but I continue to believe that I myself am nobody, nowhere.
           
Comment By: CaroleTucson(Posted on 08-10-2009 @ 04:04 pm)
Comment: Isn’t it wonderful just to know that there’s another person out there who has gone through the same thing that you go through … 🙂 Thank you for writing back. PM me anytime you feel like it. Maybe we can be nobody together … :)~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  website

Here’s another installment in the micro-saga:

Barbie was busting her guts. Bill gave her the RIGHT SAW.

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Still nobody nowhere

Thursday 6 August 2009by: mishi

Posted on: 08-06-2009 @ 12:50 pm

 

 

I probably mentioned already that I’m reading Donna Williams’ Nobody Nowhere. Though she has a more severe form of autism, I’m finding enough things in common with her thinking and mine, with some of her behaviors and mine, that I feel a good deal of kinship with her condition. The more I read about such things, the more convinced I am that the Asperger’s is a true thing in me. The only tests I had were done in public, and the word about the diagnosis came from Matthew, whom you may or may not believe to be an agent. But I’ve been convinced about my own Asperger’s since 2004, and I only grow moreso as I read.

 

 

           

 

 

 

Comment By: CaroleTucson(Posted on 08-07-2009 @ 10:39 am)
Comment: You’ll like Donna’s followup too … “Somebody Somewhere”. She is so insightful and a wonderful writer. It’s refreshing to read about our condition from someone who actually knows what it’s like, instead of some psychologist who doesn’t really know …

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To Leave the Humans

Monday 27 July 2009

by: mishi

Posted on: 07-27-2009 @ 01:36 pm

 

 

I watched a video Saturday night called “Instinct” with Anthony Hopkins. Maybe you know this movie, but I’d never heard of it before. It’s about a primate scientist who eventually abandons the human world entirely to live with the gorilla clan that has accepted him. It’s fiction, but nonetheless it’s a pretty intelligent, interesting story.

It gave me longings, but it’s not the first time I’ve had these. I had them many times when I was still with my animals. Longings to live on a big piece of land in a house, with lots of gardening and music and art and the animals. Longings to stop talking to humans, except perhaps a certain special one or two. Longings to keep my contact with the human world, the neurotypical town squares and chatter, to an absolute minimum. I couldn’t get that private space when I still had the ones I love, and I can’t get it now.

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For Notez

by: mishi

Posted on: 07-21-2009 @ 12:23 pm

 

 

Tuesday 21 July 2009   Turners

Notez, thanks for your comment of July 2. I know I’ve had the depression and anxiety since childhood, and many therapists over the years have confirmed that. The PTSD was diagnosed in 1999 by a long-term therapist. And though I’ve believed myself for four years that I have Aspergers, I have so far only Matthew’s word for it. As I’ve said before, tests (they certainly looked like tests) were run on me last year in public. Matthew took me to one of them. He explained yet another one to me, as I didn’t understand what it was testing. When these events were over, Matthew told me I had Aspergers. Who and what is Matthew? I still believe he’s an undercover agent or detective, until someone proves to me that he’s a hoaxter. But you will all believe whatever gives you the least discomfort.

As for the streets, they are no place for ANYONE. But I would say least of all for a 55-year-old woman with physical illnesses and psychological ones too. But this is how the Department of Mental Health left me 16 months ago, and they didn’t care. And Matthew, supposedly protecting me all last year from a gangland bullet, and supposedly in love with me, has not cared either.

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So much is still the same

Page

by: mishiPosted on: 07-15-2009 @ 10:04 am

 

 

Wed 15 July 2009   GreenfieldI just read a post I wrote in this blog first in May 2008. I updated it early this year, and have just done so again. But it says in there that I had been thrown out of my own world that I’d made with my animals and thrown too much into the human world that I cannot handle. Sixteen months after the sheriff came, it’s still true. I still don’t have an apartment, the animals and the world I made for myself are all gone, and I cannot handle the things I’ve been pushed into. I talk about people crawling around me like so many ants, and that’s still how it feels. I talk about most of the conversation I hear being superficial or outright stupid. It stings, it gives me headaches, it makes me want to run, but there’s no place to run to. My own world is gone.

website

 (tiffany repro at www.gaelsong.com)

blackworld

by: mishiPosted on: 07-02-2009 @ 11:21 am

 

 

Thurs  2 July 09   Turners FallsI’ve used this title in other blogs, since way back in the beginning, when the animals were first taken. The blackworld without them, without the way of life I knew for 55 years.

A year ago today, Matthew told me people wanted to kill me. You can believe he’s a liar, you can believe he’s an agent, whatever. But I believed him when he told me this, and I believed he was a detective or agent of some kind. He went on to tell me later in July that I was being protected by the FBI. And thus began the last year of high anxiety, tension, unanswered questions, delayed grief, waiting for the protectors to locate me somewhere (that’s all I ever knew about federal protection: you couldn’t choose your own place to live).

And Matthew, whoever or whatever you believe he is, left me month after month after month in this homelessness, knowing perfectly well that I was waiting for his people to show me where they wanted me. He’s still here, hasn’t gone back to his own town and his real home, and I don’t know what that means. And I haven’t had an apartment for almost 16 months. What all this does to my Asperger’s symptoms, to my PTSD and depression and anxiety, I’ll leave for you to try to imagine, to try to empathize with. If you have that capacity.

                                                                     

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Comment By: notez(Posted on 07-02-2009 @ 05:38 pm)
Comment: the streets are not therapy if you do have PTSD, Dpression, Anxietyand depression along with aspberger I would reccomend one therapist not several who is fully aware of your situation . seeing several therapists may bring several different diagnosses . It could very well be that you only suffer from one of the afore mentioned .

 

face to face

by: mishiPosted on: 06-27-2009 @ 11:40 am

 

 

Sat 27 June 2009        Greenfield

This morning I was on my way to this library when I saw a sign for a pancake breakfast at a church. It’s a church I like to support a tiny bit if I can (though I am an atheist) because there’s a woman there who’s very good to me every Friday afternoon.

So inside, this man I’ve never seen before invites me to sit with him. It turns out he has Asperger’s too. So we have breakfast and talk and it’s good, and the first time ever that I’ve met face-to-face another person with Asperger’s. He gave me a list of books he likes, and the first one I’ve asked the library to get for me is Nobody Nowhere, by Donna Williams. Maybe you know it already.

 

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