secrets

Page Fourteen…..         Posted on: 06-26-2008 @ 09:47 am

 

 

thurs 26 june 2008….      Greenfield….    I have a secret, which I have kept a secret for fifty or more years until yesterday. I may have told one person four or five years ago, but I’m not positive. Anyway, it seems to be out now. I bang my head. Not very often, and not very hard. I’ve never made a bruise or a cut or anything, as it’s not meant to be self-damaging. It’s meant to jostle the electrical currents jumping between my synapses. When NT’s fill me with too much anger and too much fear, it becomes so large, larger than all my cells can hold. So a few well-gauged bangs just shuffle everything enough that I can try to think about the next step. I’m not even going to ask if any of you do it, because I have this sense that head-banging belongs to a more severe form of autism. I never, ever, in 50-odd years let anybody see me do it until yesterday. My parents, siblings, child never had a clue. Even at 3 or 4, I had this ominous feeling that NT’s would make a big hairy deal out of it. It’s nothing. It’s just a physical way to dull down emotions that are affecting me too much in my cells.                                                                        Update 22 Sept 2009: When I first wrote this last year, I didn’t say that the person I had revealed myself to was Matthew, my supposed protector. We were in the alley beside the health food store, talking about this mob-connected tenant who had lived in my building, and I banged my head a couple of times against the brick wall. It made him very nervous. And later, on visits to his apartment, a couple of times he did indeed make a big hairy deal out of me banging my head. 

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Comment By: Butterflair(Posted on 07-06-2008 @ 09:22 am)
Comment: It’s okay, don’t worry about it.You don’t have to explain to anyone. They probably think you got frustrated about something. Just be yourself, your family loves you no matter what. That’s what family is for, unconditional love.

 part of the book Neverending Solitaire

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