Living Outside Now

mishiPosted on: 09-30-2008 @ 11:56 am



tues 30 sept 2008                     Day 1 of living outside in Turners Falls

monkfish and demongirl: I’ve just read your comments on the previous post. thanks.

I’d be interested in hearing aspie observations about neurotypical love, the way they love, the state that they call love, and whether or not you find such love valuable to you, whether it agrees with your own definitions of love.

for instance, would you agree with the statement: you suffer when someone you love suffers? and if you would agree, do you see neurotypicals who say they love you suffering when you do?

Update 11 Sept 2009: Not a lot to add here. I believed the things Matthew had told me (as I’ve said and will keep saying), and I believed that the protection situation made it impossible for me to choose my own home. And so I waited for another time to come like the one that had come in the middle of August last year, when it seemed for all the world like Matthew was going to take me somehwere. The details of that weekend will eventually be copied from the old Sehnen blog to this new one.

Last updated on 09-11-2009 @ 11:10 am

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Comment By: Sir_Beefy(Posted on 09-30-2008 @ 10:25 pm)
Comment: you can’t fight the FBI these days thanks to the Patriot Act. They are the actual terrrorists nowadays. All they have to do is plant evidence and you can’t do anything about it if you have no lawyer. If you can’t afford one, one will be appointed to you, but then again, if you aren’t in a courtroom, I guess this doesn’t apply. FBI:Fucking Bastard Institution



They so want me to be delusional

Page Eighteen

mishi…   Posted on: 09-16-2008 @ 01:28 pm



tues 16 sept 2008,  the shelter in Turners Falls… 

 I remember that some months ago I read that 90% of Asperger’s children are subject to bullying at school, and I figure that we can extrapolate from that statistic the fact that all Aspies are much more subject to all kinds of bullying in their lives than NT’s are. And I have indeed experienced a great deal of psychological bullying in my life, but none greater than what the mafia-chick, the psycho landlady, and the federal types have done (or seem by inference to be doing, based on the little information I got from Matthew). They have bullied me in that way, and through my physical illnesses. As if I were the criminal. No, it was the landlady and the other tenant and their pals who were, and are, the criminals, and yet I had everything taken away from me and was hung on a hook to dangle for organized crime (it seems), more than six months ago. What I thought was being done by the DMH alone was, I now know (based, as always, on Matthew’s words), was possibly also being done at the behest of others. I had accidentally, unwittingly stirred up a real, bona fide mob, and though I’ve led a crime-free life, I’ve been the one punished. punished incessantly for 6 months. I seriously doubt they would have hung a woman on a hook who was not poor, or who had a husband or family of humans to stick up for her. Even after they found out in early July that I am autistic, they still didn’t take me off the hook. They haven’t taken me off yet (and Matthew has never yet disputed my belief that I’m somehow bait). I’m sure they wouldn’t have done this behind-the-back, bait-hook “protection” if I weren’t single, or poor, or weird.

Update 14 Sept 2009: I still feel the same way, a year later. If in fact I had this protection done in this underhanded way, then I still believe it was because I was to be used as bait. And I still believe this wouldn’t have been done to me if I’d been of a different social class, and married, and neurotypical. 

And why do certain people so want me to be delusional? Why is it so important to them that this be written down on papers and passed around verbally? I think partly it’s because delusional is a diagnosis certain psychobabbles enjoy making: just as a murder is a more exciting case for a cop than a break-in is, delusional is a more exciting diagnosis for a bonehead to make than, say, clinically depressed. It makes them feel they’re earning their pay. And also people simply don’t want to believe that in this small community the ugly thing that seems to have happened to me vis a vis criminal types and federal types could happen to anyone. Not in this “nice” little community.

~~~~~~~~  website  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

(this post is part of the book Spite and Malice)

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Comment By: Monkfish(Posted on 09-19-2008 @ 10:20 am)
Comment: what a bunch of cunts!



Comment By: Demongirl(Posted on 09-28-2008 @ 11:46 pm)
Comment: I hated elementry and middle school becaused I was bullyed so bad I am totally afriad of any kind of human contact what so ever! So I don’t have any friends, just so I feel safe! I don’t even liked to be touched by a person! EVER! Which is why I’m designing posters for my thesis that promote better treatment of autistic children in school so they will have better lives. It seems like we get the worst end of the stick just because we have some diffilculties. SO NOT FAIR!



Comment By: Dyfi(Posted on 10-01-2008 @ 05:43 am)
Comment: I have Aspergers and I am bullied soooo much. You think thats bad, the teachers fuckin blame it on me. I get hurt, I assaulted someone.



Wrong Planet, Wrong Country

Page Seventeen by: mishi

Posted on: 09-09-2008 @ 11:09 am



tues 9 sept 2008….   in the Greenfield respite    

Living with Asperger’s — even all the years I didn’t know I had it — has been a constant war for me, but maybe not for others of you. I happened to grow up in a family in which my kind of oddness was not very well tolerated at times, and often was punished in subtle, ingenious ways. In society in general it was only slightly different. I have felt tremendous resistance from others all my life in my effort to be the only person I can be and the only person I want to be, and that is myself. I have had more criticism and punishment and ostracism and whatever else in my life than I can shake a stick at. But I never imagined or fantasized something as bizarre as the government getting its claws into me and treating me worse than any single individual ever has. I might have been wrong long ago when I started this blog and the other ones: based on the things Matthew told me in July, the DMH and CSS might  have had some interference from federal types concerning what was to be done with me. And the warning I wrote then to Massachusetts people not to let anyone they cared about get mixed up with the DMH is valid, as the DMH gave me terrible non-service, but maybe there were other things going on too.

Update 16 Sept 2009: Donna Williams speaks of this battle: the battle to keep the world out, and the simultaneous battle to let it in. I’ve fought it all my life. But in my 40’s the terms of the battle changed: I no longer wanted to let “the world” in, but only a very few select people, if I could find them. As far as the criminal trouble in my life Matthew spoke of, I stumbled into it accidentally. A tenant moved into my building who was connected, and she and I loathed each other. Her connections got me onto a bad radar, the big guys, and then they made the link with my long-dead grandfather, who had apparently belonged to this same organization. But if my country has protected me, they’ve done so in a cruel and abusive manner. Wrong planet, wrong country, wrong grandfather.

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alternate universe

Page Sixteen…         by: mishi


wed 9 july — is it? 2008…   greenfield

On with Asperger’s things. When I was three, one day I got this bright idea to make a cartoon in my head, since I was watching cartoons at the time. I wondered if I could make my own. I did. A little scene where my father wasn’t yelling at my mother and everything going on was doing so in a way I could cope with. It felt damned good, so I kept it up for another 39 years. A separate, alternate life in my head where neurotypicals behaved in a way I could understand and proceed with. But when I was forty-two, TV came and hit me with a different bolt of lightning. They were saying on a talk show that autistics live in their own inner world. I didn’t think I was autistic then. In fact, I was so determined not to be as weird as those people were (I  thought), that I weaned myself off of the alternate life in my head. Is that a good thing? In some ways yes, in some ways no. Ever since depriving myself of that mechanism, NT’s have been even harder to deal with, trauma has gone even deeper, fear of the humans around me has become more intense. My force field is gone: all the phaser beams hit home.






Comment By: Invisable2u2(Posted on 07-11-2008 @ 07:18 am)
Comment: I feel that I live in Superman’s Bizzaro world where everything is in reverse. I used to have children, men who love me and were here for me. Now the “Pied Piper stole my children and replaced them with Rats.” I’m back into Nirvana, my friends are in my head. Name of the song “Lithium” an old mental medicine. I was fine untill a doctor told me I was sick and the diagnosis & stigma of mental illiness. One of my children told me that I would hurt my granddaughter. I was crushed. I owned a Day Care Center & Pre school for over ten years in 1972 to 1982 then my first husband died in it. I kept it for five years after he died to support them. My children don’t believe me when I tell them this is genetic and all of my boys & two of my grandchildren are starting with it and I’m crazy. No people with Aspergers are special beautiful people like you who do not fit into the parrell universe we live in today.There’s others who feel as you do. I’m one too. Sometimes living in your head is a defence mecihamisn. I do it sometimes.  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

read…  Neverending solitaire…  Scealta liatha 

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Rock-a-Bye Baby

Page Fifteen

by: mishi  ~~~~~   Posted on: 07-02-2008 @ 12:02 pm



tues 2 july 2008


Well, since I’ve talked about the head and the banging thereof, I might as well talk about rocking back and forth, another lifelong strategy. For many years there were rocking chairs at my disposal, so no one thought it odd much that I would sit and rock back and forth for as long as an hour. Maybe they should have, but they didn’t. But in the rockerless years, my need to do this at times has risked becoming obvious to anyone around me, so I hid it for years and only did it in secret. But when the hell years of non-stop trauma began in 1997, I began losing my ability to control when and where I rocked. By 1999 the control was just about gone. I’m sure countless people have seen me rocking back and forth on my steps, my porches, park benches, etc. Yet another reason to feel they can treat me any way they like: I’m a weirdo with Asperger’s who rocks back and forth. 

Update 19 Sept 2009:  Just for history’s sake, the day I wrote this post was the day Matthew took me to his place and told me people wanted to kill me. That’s all I got that day, July 2, 2008. Other information came on other days.




Page Fourteen…..         Posted on: 06-26-2008 @ 09:47 am



thurs 26 june 2008….      Greenfield….    I have a secret, which I have kept a secret for fifty or more years until yesterday. I may have told one person four or five years ago, but I’m not positive. Anyway, it seems to be out now. I bang my head. Not very often, and not very hard. I’ve never made a bruise or a cut or anything, as it’s not meant to be self-damaging. It’s meant to jostle the electrical currents jumping between my synapses. When NT’s fill me with too much anger and too much fear, it becomes so large, larger than all my cells can hold. So a few well-gauged bangs just shuffle everything enough that I can try to think about the next step. I’m not even going to ask if any of you do it, because I have this sense that head-banging belongs to a more severe form of autism. I never, ever, in 50-odd years let anybody see me do it until yesterday. My parents, siblings, child never had a clue. Even at 3 or 4, I had this ominous feeling that NT’s would make a big hairy deal out of it. It’s nothing. It’s just a physical way to dull down emotions that are affecting me too much in my cells.                                                                        Update 22 Sept 2009: When I first wrote this last year, I didn’t say that the person I had revealed myself to was Matthew, my supposed protector. We were in the alley beside the health food store, talking about this mob-connected tenant who had lived in my building, and I banged my head a couple of times against the brick wall. It made him very nervous. And later, on visits to his apartment, a couple of times he did indeed make a big hairy deal out of me banging my head. 

 ~~~~~~~~~  website  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~






Comment By: Butterflair(Posted on 07-06-2008 @ 09:22 am)
Comment: It’s okay, don’t worry about it.You don’t have to explain to anyone. They probably think you got frustrated about something. Just be yourself, your family loves you no matter what. That’s what family is for, unconditional love.

 part of the book Neverending Solitaire

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