Wrongly and Cruelly Done

Page Thirteen

by: mishi

Posted on: 06-25-2008 @ 09:53 am

 

 

wed 25 june 2008 Greenfield                                                                      So… I’m going to continue writing about the unauthorized Asperger’s testing that someone or other put me through last week, in public places, on sehnen.wordpress.com, if you want to see what certain buffoons do to earn their money. Matthew has told me these are tests, so I’m not imagining it, and please no one insinuate that I am. If he’s lying, or you come up with that as an excuse for not believing me, so be it. But it’s out of his mouth that these are tests. Here’s the other “Asperger’s” poem I forgot the other day. Written long before I ever heard the word, and yet to me it is all about having asperger’s.

From You to Me                       

                 Sparks from your eyes fly
                 at my insolence.
                 You fancy I don’t see them.
                 I am insolent,
                 believing my beliefs with easy ardor,
                 fomenting things in a virile voice.
                 I am arrogant,
l                living in this tepid time,
                 on fire.
                 And so you send your sparks.
                 Watching them fly, red-hot,
                 to my face,
                 I comprehend I can’t be loved,
                 but never understand.

here to the Asperger’s page, or here to Poetry.

Update 23 Sept 2009: I still don’t know who ordered those tests that were done on me in public places without my consent. I only know that when they were over, Matthew told me I had Aspergers. That’s all I know.

 

Poemizing

Page Twelve

Posted on: 06-23-2008 @ 06:42 pm…    

 

 

mon 23 june 2008      Greenfield 

Aspinator: thank you for your response regarding aspies and bullying. I agree with everything you said.If anyone’s interested in reading about the Asperger’s tests that the DMH (at least, I assume it’s them) has been conducting on me in public places and without my consent, see sehnen.wordpress.com. I started writing about them tonight.

I have two old poems I found, from the year 2000, that I consider to be about living with Asperger’s, even though I’d never heard of Asperger’s when I wrote them. One of them I forgot to bring with me. Here’s the other:

                                                                                                                                                 

Amethyst & Rose

                                                                                                                

                                            In some good faith
                          I let fall the crystals
                             sprouted on the core-stone of
                                my ever-scrying self,
                                 waiting for the eyes
                                 in whose light
                                 they will be jewels.

as usual, tick-tock, tick-tock. loose ends to tie, etc.

 Asperger’s page of my website is here

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thoughts Versus Actions

Page Eleven

Posted on: 05-30-2008 @ 01:19 pm     Greenfield

 

 

Still May 30…

This is mostly to address a comment autistic-malcontent has left me since this morning. I can accept the NT’s disliking, even detesting me, if I absolutely have to. I’m not very patient with humans and never have been. And over the 11 hell years that I’m still in, I’ve beccome even less patient. Add that to the fact that I come from a family of tempers. I get furious at people a dozen times a day. I mock them, use all of my caustic wit on them both in my journals and in conversation about them, but those are my thoughts and emotions. It’s a rare thing for me to seek any kind of redress or to try to hurt someone other than verbally. My pattern in my life has been almost always to avoid people I dislike, not to try to harm them, deprive them of money, or children or apartment or whatever. This is what I can neither accept nor understand: Why do these NT’s (so many of them in my life) feel they have the right to follow up their negative thoughts and emotions with actions; destructive, cruel ones? Why do they feel they have the right to attack?

                                                                    

Update 7 Aug 2009: I still have the same question: Why? Why have so many neurotypicals taken it upon themselves to actively hurt me, when, if they find me so weird, they could just as easily leave me alone and let me be?

And I have to add that I love the user-name autistic-malcontent. I am certainly one of those (though that is hardly all that I am) and wish I’d thought of that name myself.

 

 

           

 

 

 

Comment By: AutisticMalcontent(Posted on 06-01-2008 @ 11:00 am)
Comment: I can say this much, you are a better person for mocking them in your journals, and not so much in your speech or actions, although you said you do mock them in conversations on occassion. As for myself, I’m very passive and calm, and so was my father and my grandfather. I come from a family of introverts. However, the rude and blatant arrogance of some (not all) neurotypical people has trained me to distrust many of them. I judge a lot by the action of a few to many. I think both you and I like to follow the Golden Rule- “treat others the way you want to be treated”. But some people nowadays, they don’t even know what manners and proper behavior is, it is like they either think they are the King or Queen of England, or they have the selfish mannerisms of a five year old brat. I’m not out for blood, I don’t want conflict, I just want to live in peace with my fellow man. I show everyone respect until they prove otherwise. The reason I think that many NT’s follow up their negative thoughts and emotions with cruel, destructive actions is because of a number of factors: feeling insecure about themselves, immaturity, ignorance, arrogance, selfishness, greed, etc. These are generic, but NT’s have normal mental capabilities, so they can understand things culturally and socially more than we can. And NT’s view things very emotionally, compared to us who view things very logically and sensibly, this is what I believe.

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~  website  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Greentea’s Idea

Page Ten 

by: mishi      Posted on: 05-30-2008 @ 10:31 am

 

 

still May 30, 2008 Greenfield MAJust read greentea’s posting about how NT’s dislike arguing about the real issue; they’d rather argue around it. I’ve noticed this myself in recent years, and I hope greentea’s advice helps people. But I just can’t do it. Discussing, arguing in a circle around the real point aggravates both my anxiety disorder and my physical illnesses. It exhausts me mentally and physically. And it makes me afraid. Because when someone avoids the reality of anything between us, it makes me afraid i’m going to get stabbed in the back. And i usually do.

Update 6 August 2009: Haven’t changed my thinking or my feelings on this subject one iota. I cannot cope with the NT talking in circles, talking without directness, playing social games.

 

                                                                    

           ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  website  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Noli Me Tangere

Page Nine

by: mishiPosted on: 05-30-2008 @ 09:59 am

 

 

May 29, 2008    Greenfield     Smackerlacker, who left a comment on my last entry, thanks for your response. If you have a blog of your own I can go to, I couldn’t find it.Someone else responded to my last entry too. Coincidentally enough, he shares both a name and an occupation with one of the DMH workers who destroyed my life. I wrote back to him. Whoever he is, he’s trying to play my buddy, my cheerleader, for some irrational reason. I told him I despise him, just in case he’s the one I know. If he wants to keep writing to someone who despises him, then he has even more psych issues than I thought.

As always, my time is too short with the computer. A few words from wise people:

“the unexamined life is not worth living”

Either Socrates or Aristotle, can’t recall which. So how many people do you know, my fellow oddies, who really examine their lives and conduct and motivations on a regular basis? Jung tells us we need to integrate our conscious and sub-conscious minds, but how can that happen without reflection and examination?

“Human beings are a lot meaner and stupider than they think they are.

Kurt Vonnegut. I think we oddies know better than anyone how mean and stupid the NT’s can be, but they themselves have no idea of it.

Update 4 August 2009: It’s a long time since I first wrote this post, but I stand by my quote from Kurt now and always: Human beings are a lot meaner and stupider than they think they are. If I ever have an apartment again, I’m going to draw a big sign with those words and hang it in a prominent place.

 (the sculpture, in its entirety, is available from www.toscano.com)

 

           

 

 

 

Comment By: Wimbledonski(Posted on 06-15-2008 @ 04:36 am)
Comment: I agree 1One Hundred 0/0Percent that neurotypicals are plain normal LIKE PLAIN FLOUR; not spceials, unlike Ourself’s FULLSTOP.[ Delete this Comment ]

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  website  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

is cuimhin liom na laethe

Page Eight……      by: mishiPosted on: 05-21-2008 @ 09:44 am

 

 

May 21, 2008     Greenfield      

 There should be another poem.

Number 4                                      

                              My mutant soul
                              wears thorns that only you
                              enfolded.
                              My impassioned soul
                              sprouts fires that warmed
                              only you.
                              They’ve taken from me all balance
                              (this isn’t cruel?),
                              all blanketing
                              (this isn’t wrong?),
                              all meaning in the marking
                              of the hours;
                              left me shivering naked
                              in a timeless place.
                              Left me staring
                              raging
                              into empty space.    
        

here to the poetry page of my website.

So much of my life I strained to fit in with them, the neurotypicals, strained to fit in at least enough to satisfy that primate need for the companionship of our own kind. And I got meanness, viciousness, abandonment, ridicule, and so on. It’s really only since I started learning about Asperger’s three years ago that I gave up trying to fit at all, gave myself permission to be neurologically different. But they wouldn’t give me permission. Had to keep up with the aggression until I had nothing left.

Update 27 July 2009: What can I say more than a year later? I want to be away from them, most of the humans. I don’t want to look, don’t want to hear, don’t want to speak. I want only the eyes and ears and bodies of the animals I love, who were stolen and hidden here and there, and lies were told to me about where, and I was never allowed to visit any of the ones they let live a while. I don’t want the humans. I have one human, neurotypical friend now. Her voice I want, the sight of her I want. Otherwise the humans are more a burden than they ever were, because they have traumatized me and stolen from me more than I could bear.

~~~~~~~~~   Share   ~~~~~~~

a href=”http://twitter.com/share” data-count=”none” data-via=”annegrace2″ data-related=”ziidjian:outre tweeting”>Tweet</a><script type=”text/javascript” src=”http://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js”></script

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

all photos, graphics, poems and text copyright 2008-2011 by anne nakis, unless otherwise stated. all rights reserved.